Here's why I changed my mind about silent retreat.

Being still with God unexpectedly became my life's biggest breakthrough.

​

Seriously?

 

A silent retreat was never on my mind.

It is the awkward silence that makes me feel utterly uncomfortable.

 

You see, my days are always filled with activities.

Secretly, I fell in love being busy. There is no time to be wasted. 

 

Well, life isn't linear. I was thriving well until I was hit by a midlife crisis.

Everything crashed. My career, my health, and my family relationships.

 

I was depressed, frustrated, and felt hopeless.

I did everything I could to fix my broken life but of course, it came to nothing.

​

Only a gentle whisper came from God.

The beckoning of a silent retreat.

And it turned out to be everything I needed back in my life.

​

Surely there are better options than a silent retreat.

To simplify, I cancelled all the arguments in my mind on why I should not go.

 

People around me were skeptical. No agenda, no planned program or activities and yes, I had to stay away from my mobile devices. My mind protested that there is nothing useful but my weary heart told me otherwise.

 

So, I put on my noise-cancelling earphones and turned a deaf ear to all the nasty call-outs including the one that said I was crazy. I packed my bags and booked my flight. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

 

Show me the answers to my problems.

I learned that it is ok to say, "I don't know." 

 

It drove me mad when I didn't know where I was heading in this part of my life. I was desperate for immediate answers. When I raised this strongly to my spiritual director, he gently reminded me of Abraham's obedience to God. He went as the Lord had told him even though he doesn't know what awaits him.

 

These days, I felt better and let it be when I don't know. It is not easy in life to be at crossroads or in the waiting room and not knowing what to do next. Yet, when the mind is calm, the answers to some problems can just come when I least expected them.

 

Help! I can't be still. 

Drop the pressure and seek God in micro-moments

 

On the first day, I sat and kept still for a long time but I was nothing close to being in this silent zone. I failed. Unknowingly, I switched to my success mode. After all, this should be the outcome of a silent retreat right? Now, I worry.

 

This was the mysterious incredible power of stillness with God that I seek. Yet it was only revealed to me when I did nothing with an open mind.

 

I was so busy in my life that I hardly stopped to smell the roses. Here I was surrounded by the lush greenery, flowers in bloom, and chirpy birds in the huge compound and strangely, I felt naturally at peace. That day, God touched me with the beauty of serenity.

 

Turning around a corner, I caught a fascinating sight of free-roaming rabbits. Some nibbled grass, some hopped around and some rested. A baby rabbit met my eyes and shyly dashed back to its burrow. I was so enchanted by its innocence that I laughed to myself. That day, God taught me the joy of simplicity.

 

After a few days, my body and mind slowly adjusted and I start to enjoy this new rhythm of life. Seeking God is no longer about trying to sit still all the time. The secret is that I didn't have to try so hard. It's a hidden sweet spot that God met me whenever I took time to pause, rest and enjoy in his presence.

 

I don't need a silent retreat just to hear God speak.

But I showed up before God for a closer relationship and he didn't disappoint me.

 

By faith, I went.  I took time out to hang out with God for a few days. Here I am, Lord.

 

In the quietness, I felt lighter, happier, and gained better clarity.

On my last day of the retreat, I sat still in one of the rooms. I was enjoying my quiet mind when out of the blue, I heard this phrase in my head.

             

"Peace be with you."

 

I was trembling not in fear, but of awe. It was my first silent retreat and I felt deeply honored. There and then, I had encountered God in a special intimate space that is shared only by both of us. I sobbed gently not just because I was touched by this inner peace but he opened my hardened heart.

 

Stillness with God is now my life's anchoring point

 

I still have the same problems and more challenges in my life but something has changed in me after the retreat experience. I found a new sense of empowerment deep in my heart even amid the raging storms. Be still and know that I am God. (Psalms 46:10)